I opened my eyes groggily in the darkness and looked tpwards the door of my apartment. It was only shittu. I picked up my phone and checked the time. 11.30pm.
‘shit’, I said.
I got up slowly and headed for my clothes. It was the 2nd of November, half an hour before my birthday. I had called Yinka the evening before, and told him I was willing to allow myself to be spoiled a little.
I am basically a recluse. This means that I don’t like gatherings of any kind. I don’t go out. I don’t evemn have clothes to go out. I don’t drink, smoke, womanize( ._.), watch TV, football, play sports. I am a dead person -_- The only time I have been to a club was when Yinka took me to one three years ago, and I only attended my first wedding his year. Yinka is a very social animal, as are all my very very very small circle of friends(who were my roommates all through Uni). Today I felt like indulging because I had been feeling lonely lately. Plus I wanted to go see what all the fuss was about clubbing, again.
Shittu was currently staying with Yinka, so for him to be at my door, it meant Yinka was parked somewhere outside in his beautiful brand-new hot-red ‘Yahoo-boy’ Honda Accord his dad just got him after his Masters in the abroad. Yaay!
Back to the story.
I had promised to buy them a bottle of alcohol at a club if they drove down from Ikeja to pick me( I never like to go anywhere alone, so they would have come to pick me in any case). It was a promise I made reluctantly because I don’t drink, and I didn’t relish the though of spending thousands on a bottle of the devil’s piss. But it was the only way. I had actually wanted a strip club, but Yinka was bothered about the entrance fees three of us would have to pay, plus he had already arranged to meet with some guys at the club he had planned to go take us to.
I put on a casual shirt, and flung on my jumper(which everyone desires to steal from me) because I don’t like being exposed to cold. Walking out, we joined Yinka and another friend. They wished me a Happy Birthday, and off we went. Yinka is a very silly person most times, but he is pretty cool to hang out with. Since I am so socially inept I trusted his judgement completely. I had no cash on me; they took me first to an ATM so I could knock myself out. I knew I was in for one hell of a night.
I have never understood the deal behind clubbing. The last time I indulged (it was with Yinka, three years ago) I came out in the wee hours nearly stone deaf with a massive headache. I did not enjoy the smell of cigarette smoke, the sluttily dressed girls, the lap-dances (at the strip club. This is one bloody amazing story I can’t tell, lol), the spark which flew anytime somebody just spend a salary on a bottle of champagne. Most of all, I did not understand where the fun was.
But again, I was lonely, and it was my first birthday as a bachelor.
We reach the club (Ikeja) at about midnight. I think it was called Cafe. The first group of girls I saw outside after I left the car and my jacket were obviously prostitutes. I gave yinka all the money I had scrounged from the ATM with my blessings to spend as necessary, since this place was strange terrain for me. There was this very tall ugly girl in front of the car. She was wearing a pink version of that thing Miley Cyrus wore when she twerked on stage. I caught myself looking at where her thighs met, or rather, failed to meet. The place looked funny, like Miley Cyrus’s. She was so thin and tall that all I felt was pity.Her spaghetti top was suffocating her small breasts, making them seem bigger. She was rocking dispassionately from the beat inside the club, like somebody on stilts, and I could not imagine how anybody would want to take her home. As I understood later from the wise lips of my friends, every girl is hot when you are drunk. There were other girls there, dressed so abhorrently that I couldn’t help wondering if they had mothers at home.
Just like this
So into the club we went. It was very lively and noisy. They herded my ass straight to the VIP section. Apparently, Yinka and Shittu were regulars at the club (I could not understand how a human being could come to so much noise and smoke at least twice a week), because all they did to get us past the bouncers was smile and say something to the club employee chick there.
We got in and I saw some of the guys we hung out with the last time I entered a club years before. I am an igbo man, so the first thing I automatically did was calculate the club prices of the drinks they had splurged on before we came. I cringed inwardly when the calculation was complete. All the salaries!
Shittu, who has been dressing like he is still in the abroad, went to sit on a coloured stool to await the drinks while he pinged God-Knows-Who on his Xperia. Oh yeah, we all use XPERIAs (can I get an Amen?)
I looked around while the noise and dance went on around me. It was like I was in the nexus of a giant speaker. My whole body vibrated to the beat, and I was getting irritated at the club habit of everyone screaming ‘Haaay!’ whenever a new song kicked in. I don’t watch TV. Or listen to Nigerian songs. Or do anything remotely fun, so I had never heard of any of the songs played. I kept thinking of the pandemonium if I were to shout ‘BOMB!’
My friends had already gotten to terms with my weirdness all through school, so they took their time explaining stuff to me, even though they knew I didn’t need. Hahaha. I know I sound pathetic, but I am actually quite fun, I hear…just not in the conventional ways.
I refrained from blocking my ears with my hands and looking like a total nincompoop while I surveyed the array of writhing bodies around me. The girls! Oh Lord. I caught myself staring too long at cleavages and legs while I nodded to the beat.
I can’t dance.
Not one bit.
Not even to save my life. I feel like I am weighted with lead whenever the situation calls for dancing, so I usually look like a dying robot. Yinka and Shittu kept laughing at me and telling me to ‘Turn Up!’.
This adventure had begun to look like an exciting class, and I, the expectant child. I looked on in glee as debauchery went on around me, but I did not partake because I felt out of time and place. I knew I should enjoy myself, but it just did not feel right. I always look at everything calculatingly, so I found myself veering of into tangents as I regarded the dancing , smoking, sweating, lusty, drinking bodies.
Shittu, ever one to embrace the situation, called some girl over and began dancing with her, I watched on while he made her lean against the wall while he came up behind her and..well,danced. It wasn’t sex since they were both dressed, daz all. All I kept thinking was what the girl’s mother would do if she saw her daughter. The girl even took a swig from the bottle -_-
LOOL. I don’t know why I kept thinking of the girls’ mommas.
The drinks came. I think the main alcohol was Hennessy or something.
I was given a shot heavily diluted with cold and chilled with ice. I thought it was bitter. Vey bitter. I couldn’t understand how boys liked shit like this. But I drank up, squeezing my face in disgust. Alcohol sucks. My friends laughed at me and shook their heads at how much I had not changed through the years. I talked(screamed) with them above the noise and we shared a few good laughs and more drinks, until I began feeling woozy. I had not taken nearly enough, and Yinka and shittu were like -______- when I told him I felt tipsy.
‘You realize you have been drinking about 90% coke, right?’, they screamed.
He lifted the bottle. The drink hadn’t even gone halfway.
In the VIP section, there was one very unattractive girl who was very athletic, shaking places I didn’t know could be shook. She was twerking for the world, and everybody who had a penis could come behind her and cup a feel. The force was strong with that one, I could see.
She climbed the stools, the wall hangings, chairs. It is a good thing we can’t walked upside down, she would have danced that way.
No, I did not approach her.
I forced some extra balls to grow and approached one..well, not really approached. She came right in front of me to dance, and I thought it was a good time to give into Shittu’s prompting to slap some asses. Plus I thought it would be a good thing to blog about. She kept looking back at me like she expected me to grab it so grab it I did. If it were in the animal kingdom, I probably wouldn’t have a mate -_- Not when the females were all whores of Babylon -_-
This girl was dark, and thinner than a walking stick. She had on false lashes. I hate false lashes, but every girl wears them now. It makes girls look like prostitutes to me, because I only ever saw those things on prostitutes years ago. I really don’t understand what one would want with false lashes. There is this irritating gummy thing that attaches the lashes, and it just makes me sick to look at, cos it just screams CHEAPNESS to me.
So… I breathed in deeply and grabbed her ass. She turned back slightly with this very condescending look like ‘What is wrong with this one grabbing my nyash?’
I looked back at her like (._. )(._.) ( ._.)
She began to dance. It was a sexy dance. She went down slowly, twerking sensually. Since I had no idea how to dance despite all the in-club lessons master Dancer Yinka and dancer Shittu had given me, so I just mimicked her movements. Shittu looked at me approvingly, and I just laughed. I imagined I was outside myself, looking at myself, and repressed the disgust I would feel.
The chick went so low I was afraid I was gonna fall on her ass; then it came, the grinding. Thrusting her small bum into my crotch, she just didn’t let up. I don’t know what she was trying to do, but it worked ( ._.) I responded in kind, all the while noting her expression from behind and ignoring shittu’s ‘blind-eye’.
I really don’t want to write about how I ran my hands down somebody’s daughter’s body, and how it reminded me of … No!
Yeah, so here I was back at my seat, watching the tempo of the club rise. More chicks kept trooping in. By this time, I was fully into observation mode…which was as much fun as any other. I noted the bum short-clad chicks. Well, most of them were like that. One particular ‘yellow’ one had one massive K-leg. I don’t get how you dress skimpily when your leg obviously needs corrective surgery. There were chicks with fat fold wearing short blouses. And the one who seemed to have stopped just short of being completely naked. I ogled boobs until I got tired, and wondered how my friends did it every week. Yinka laughed at my question and told me he was gonna take me to the clubs on the island where chicks with Silicon inplants displayed their wares. I am intrigued.
I danced a little more, calculated how many people had signed up for hell-fire and went to pee. And went again. Thrice -_- What a weist!
Well, all in all, the fun, bitch-dancing and laughter continued into the night. By 5am, they took me home cause I had to wash my clothes and sleep it all off. I was still feeling dizzy from the drink, and in resolved never to let alcohol get within drinkable distance of me again.
On the alcohol thing, my hatred transcends having a distaste for it. I have quite the imagination especially since I began reading weird books at a young age, and my dreams are usually very weird. I shiver when I think of what could happen if alcohol opened up my mind and lowered my inhibitions. Even in my dizziness, I felt like the dark thing was waiting at the edge of my mind, waiting for my defences to fall so that it could ravage me. Of course, I imagine all the awesome stories that would become real to me (yea, I write weird stories at http://ekwemartin.wordpress.com), but my sanity is much more precious.
I had fun sha. I wouldn’t do it again except I were depressed. Which is what I am some rare Friday nights. The rarity of such events in my life make them very novel. My next clubbing will probably be in a few years from now.
Well, on Sunday the fourth, I was blessed by my twitter fam. Great birthday wishes. Some anonymous people called my phone to sing to me. OOMF(one of my followers on twitter) with whom I have had only the most casual online contact called and asked for my office address. She said she was gonna send me a cake. I really thought it was a prank or something. On Monday, the 5th, I was called by some delivery guy. Oh yeah..I better mention how that happened. It was so silly as the guy took a long time to get to the point.
DG: Hello, is this Ekwe?
DG: Is today your birthday?
Me: Er, No. last Saturday. Who is thi-
DG: Happy Birthday. Wishing you long life and prosperity, and many more years to come…God will blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…
Me : Who is this? -___-
DG: This is Bayo from (delivery company)
Me: Oh. Ok.
DG: I have a Cake for you from somebody(duh!). Can you confirm the address of your office to me and how to meet with you?
LOL. I was annoyed by the story telling. But I was very pleased with le cake. It’s my first birthday cake. Ever. So I don’t know what was in it. Tasted like ginger. Or raisins. I dunno. Nobody cared about it before :’’’’(
Thank you kind follower :****
I Am Loved 😀
Yh so…that about wraps it up. Later that Sunday evening Yinka came to my house to pick me up for some Owambe. We got lost as we couldn’t find the estate. The Google maps lady wanted to make us travel around Lagos. In the end the party sucked. I came back disappointed that night, but in order to save the day from being completely useless, I opted to buy Yinka and his brother BBQ fish and chips, so we sat at a bar while I endured the sight of their alcohol as I cradled my Malta Guiness
And we ate.
My neigbours were beynd shock to see me out so late. It was the first time I was staying out so late, and they all congratulated me and hoped the change would be permanent. Yes, everybody takes me as their responsibility. Lol. I am drowning in love…or am i?
Ps: I walked in on my neighbour’s girlfriend yesterday. The Calabar SideChick. She was naked, and didn’t freak out, but the Lord drew me close (.-.)
All the awesome things happen to me. I would totally be a celebrity if I were more social. LOOL
Enjoy, RT and leave a comment 😀